After 2011 being a pretty decent year I felt that 2012 was just going to be amazing. Unbeknown to me it would be the hardest year I have had yet, and I have had some hard years in my life. I wrote in earlier posts about my sons accident and about having a new baby this year, just those two things alone would make for a tough year for anybody. However, this year has been very hard on my body. I have never felt old, but this year I have felt old. My body hurts and it is tired. Right now I am awake because I pulled something in my upper back on my right side and it is bothering me so much that I can not sleep. I went to bed at 7:30pm because acid reflux was bothering me so much I felt like I was melting from the inside out. I don’t consider myself a person that is “stressed” but I know my body is stressed and is showing signs of it all over. Because my body has not been performing well, my mind has been effected. I have made a lot of impulse decisions this year. None of those decisions have been huge and they have not really effected much, but for me they were impulsive and it did not take me long to realize that. I am usually a pretty careful person. This year has also been hard on my wife. She is realizing that she has limitations. Having two kids and being home with them all day is hard. I am realizing that those who decide to go to work when they don’t have to are just being selfish to an extent. I have had mothers tell me that they could not be home all day. Selfishness is all it is. Nothing makes me feel more like a man then being able to provide enough for my family to keep my wife home with my boys. They need her.
A few times throughout this year I have battled with deleting this blog. I sure didn’t make it to far with my goal to write 750 words per day. To be honest, that is a lot. It is hard to come up with that much to say. For the last few weeks I have been logging 5 things I am thankful for and that is hard enough. I am sitting here writing now because I know that I need to log what I am going through. So much happens that I do not remember. It takes something reminding me for those memories to come back and with each recollection I am sure details are forgotten.
I am trying to make changes in what I do for a living. Economy is bad and I am tired of fighting it. I spend hours each week sending quotes and responding to emails only to get told I am out of their budget range if I am lucky enough to get an email back at all. I realized that my business relies on people and the economy. People will still need marketing and will still get married, but the amount they spend will fluctuate. I need to get out of the type of business that relies on others as much. This is where my desire to be in teaching can flourish. My goal now is to create something that people can join for a small fee to receive information and training. I think this will take things to the next level and give me the flexibility I desire. I have two good guys working for me now that can help with the process. I want to build something that is useful. Website Design and Photography is now a commodity. Some Photographers will say it is not, but it is. They are just lucky enough to live in areas where people can afford to pay higher prices.
I have also battled with living in Modesto and raising my kids here. This town is dying. It’s gross and falling apart. It is not a safe place to live. Sure there are safe parts of town but who wants that. Kids want to be mobile and explore. That is what I did as a kid. Lucky enough for me, Modesto was not that bad of a place in the late 80’s early 90’s. It did not take long for that to change. Just 20 years later and you can’t go out at night without being afraid.
What to do?