and We Are 4, and Thoughts on Suffering

We had our baby! Cohen Parker Hill. I can’t be more excited. The feelings I had inside leading up to the birth of my second child were quite different than with my first born. It is weird how we process thought and feeling. So much had happened in the previous month that I had lost excitement for anything else. I felt that I didn’t want any other things piled on top of what was already going on with Liam’s broken leg. I had dealt with a lot emotionally, more than I think I ever have in my life and I was ready to be done. That all changed the moment I saw Cohen’s face.

It actually changed when they were hooking up my wife to IV fluids before she went in for the c-section procedure. I can put aside everything else and micro focus when I really want to. At that moment I was focused on my wife. I can’t honestly say I was being as strong as I should though I probably appeared strong on the outside.

After watching Liam born I had a new appreciation for my wife. She endured such an extreme amount of pain and was so brave through it. This time around she was even more brave. If she was dealing with any fear, it was not apparent on the outside. When I walked into that OR and saw her on the OR table, arms out and the surgery curtains up, I was scared. I feel like anything can go wrong in surgery, probably due to the stupid tv shows where everything does go wrong in surgery. All I could do is sit there, stroke her head and tell her how amazed I was by her. She didn’t think she was doing anything but she was showing me how weak I have been lately. I was/am so proud of her and so amazed at the way she responds to things. Of course we all have our moments where we have to just let out our feelings in the form of crying, but she was just awesome.

Now that we are home with Cohen and slowly getting back into our routine with Liam things have began to calm. The one thing I have got out of all that has happened this year is that I need to make sure I am on the up and up with everything. I know it sounds stupid to most people but I believe that the bad things that happen to my children are a result of bad things that I have done in the past or are doing in the present. I don’t really want to get into a debate with anyone on this, I just feel that there is truth in what the Bible says about it (see: Ex.:20.5, James 1:14-15, Romans 1:32, Romans 2:6-11, Romans 6:16-19). To me this does not mean that children are born guilty of their parents’ sins or that they will be punished in eternity for their parents’ sins. On the other hand v6 shows that God will show mercy on those who love and obey Him. Note that love and obedience always go hand in hand in our service to God (see John 14:15, 1 John 5:3). So, if future generations would love and obey God, He would show them mercy, not punishment.

I feel like I brought this all on because weeks before everything started happening I told God that I wanted him to bring to light any sin in my life. I think what I really wanted him to do was just make me aware of it, not to have him show me the effect of it. However, no cleansing comes with out forging, and forging can be painful (in reference to reshaping metal). I understand that many people, including many Christians, would find my thoughts on all of this a bit radical but I do believe in what God says. If it were not important, it would not be in the Bible. “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness…” 2 Tim 3:16-17. I don’t care if it is old testament or new, to me it is still valid. Ecclesiastes is in the Old Testament and most of that book could not be more relevant to mindsets I have had in my lifetime.

Never have I needed to be reassured by 1 Cor.10:6-11 more than ever before: “6 Now these things happened as examples for us, so that we would not crave evil things as they also craved. 7 Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written, “THE PEOPLE SAT DOWN TO EAT AND DRINK, AND STOOD UP TO PLAY.” 8 Nor let us act immorally, as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in one day. 9 Nor let us try the Lord, as some of them did, and were destroyed by the serpents. 10 Nor grumble, as some of them did, and were destroyed by the destroyer. 11 Now these things happened to them as an example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.”

@JamesAllensays on Twitter has been sending me some pretty spot on quotes lately. Each one has hit me in the face like a brick.

Back to happy baby talk…

Cohen is just a ball of joy. He sleeps so much, which is different than his brother Liam who was up and upset for the first six weeks of his life. I believe that Matthew 11:28 rings true with Cohen. He is the rest among the chaos. Because he sleeps so much, it gives us time to relax. He looks so much like his brother Liam did when he was born.

A lot of Mallory’s family is in town and at our house this week helping with the kids so I can get to work and move forward. It’s funny how my desire for work has diminished. I almost don’t want to be here. I am blogging this right now from work. I really want to go back to working from home. Maybe I will be able to make that happen. I almost feel as if God wants me to be at home also. Hopefully I will be able to get back to that place. Maybe what I needed to learn is that I need to be at home with my wife and kids. Not to be watching over them at all times, but to be with in reach at any given moment.

Regardless of all that is going on, I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have pulled some nonsense in my lifetime and a person with such a past does not deserve what I have right now. I pray that God allows me to hold on to it and continues to give me these kind of reminders through out my life so that I never forget what I have. Some people forget what they have and mess up their lives. I don’t want to become one of those people.

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