Over the last week I have had a lot, I mean A LOT happen, besides not writing on this blog of course. Last week my son Liam broke his leg, he is now in a full lower body cast. My wife is 38 weeks pregnant and tired of being pregnant. My wife’s Grandfather is in the hospital, and he was touch and go for a moment there. Everything seems to be happening all at once. This is mildly comical to me because a few weeks ago I was thinking about how nothing tragic has happened to me in a long time. I felt that God had really blessed my life and given me some easy times recently. I had also made a recent decision to start praying more. I often told myself that my prayer did not matter because God already knew my heart and my words were nothing more than nonsense that almost never came out sounding right. I know that is not the right mindset to have however it was what occupied my mind whenever I thought to pray. I can now see that I am being tested from all angles.
During all of this I have found myself to be very emotional. At first, I did not know what to expect. I just wanted him to be ok. I was not sad or angry. I was just present and focused. After Liam’s leg was set and he was put in his cast I became very emotional. I cried many times that day and the following two days. It seemed like everything set me off, especially photos of Liam from before the accident. Now I find myself just overwhelmed by everything. I will get into that in a moment.
Right before all of this happened, I was fighting off a cold. Nothing big, but due to the lack of sleep and added stress it let my cold take over and turn into an infection. I went to the doctors today for the first time in years. I had not been to the doctors office in at least five years. I am not sure why, I guess I just don’t really have that much going on. However, now that I look at things I can see that all of the little things are adding up. I am a little anxious to see my blood test results.
Liam is not thrilled with his situation. Being fixed in one place upsets him. He doesn’t really understand what is and has happened to him. As long as we keep him occupied he does alright. However when he is bored for a few moments he gets upset. He also gets frustrated when he is tired. He wants to curl up into a comfortable position but he can not. He is fixed in the same position he is in while he is awake. I wish I could do something to comfort him or release him from what feels like captivity, but I can not. All I can do is try to surround him with the things he finds comfortable. Those things include his blankets, The Pink Panther cartoons and a sippy cup.
Mallory has had a hard time with all of this. I know that she blames herself and is tormented by that. I have avoided extra questions about Liam’s fall and the circumstances surrounding it because I know she has been getting that from family, friends and doctors. I know that she did not intentionally put Liam in danger and that is all that matters to me. Through all of this she has become a bit depressed and it is starting to effect me. There are many things that I still have to do to make sure our family continues to survive. Being that she is 38 weeks pregnant, she can not assist with doing much more than keeping Liam entertained. I have to hold him, carry him, lift him and change him. My Mom is damaged and can not lift him either. Mallory’s Mother has been a huge help but is limited in her time here due to her work and her father being in the hospital during all of this. Our household is falling behind and it seems like I am the only one standing strong and continuing on despite the difficult circumstances. I am trying really hard not to put any of this on anyone else.
Our family is helping but often giving to many suggestions and not enough action. People do not understand a whole lot because they are not here dealing with it all 24/7. It is easy to make suggestions when you don’t have all of the facts or know what is needed. To be honest all that I really need is money to pay the doctor bills. This month I will max out Liam and my Wife’s health benefits and will have to come up with a lot more money than expected. From here on out whenever one of my friends or family goes through something huge I am going to give them money to help with the extra expenses instead of getting flowers. The real burden lies in the financials most of the time.
One of the really cool things is that we have meals covered every other day through the end of March. For me this is kind of awkward because people are bringing food, many of which I know but not that well. I like taking people meals and I have noticed that when I do, it is awkward. It’s not natural and I guess that is why it is awkward. We are used to close family coming over with food but not people who we talk to maybe a couple of times per month.
What’s nice is having people come by to visit with Liam so we can pause whatever he is watching and get his eyes off of the TV. I don’t want this short term injury to turn him into a television addict.
My Mother is driving me up the wall with all of her suggestions that come across more like this is what you should be doing then it does a suggestion. I would rather have her looking into things then not caring at all but she is making Mallory feel like she is not doing her job as a mother and Mallory is not the type of person to stand up for herself so it all falls back on me.
Despite the fact that I am carrying a lot more than just additional Liam duties, I feel pretty good. I am ready to get over this infection and feel healthy again. My mental state is good considering I am for the most part in this alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have support, but it’s not the right support and everybody’s feelings are to fragile to suggest otherwise. I could go on and on about how people’s feelings get involved in situations like this. Nobody knows how to do anything other than notice when their feelings get hurt these days. If this ever gets read by one of my family members I am sure all hell will break loose. To be honest, the only person I think would agree with me close to 100% is my Grandmother on my Mom’s side. If I get to the point where I need someone to listen to me rant, I think she will be the person I visit.
I really don’t know what I could do different to let some of the stress off of myself. I guess I could just do everything that needs to be done but of course that would hurt feelings as well. There is no way around it. I am the only person I know who can put my feelings aside and get done what needs to get done. That is what’s wrong with the world today. I am glad that I am not like that.
Going back to prayer. My prayers are that God would help everybody around me accept what happened and see it for what it is. Yes it is a bummer and we all feel bad but it’s short term. I have been reminding myself daily that it could have been the loss of a leg or something worse even. In about two months time it will be almost like it never happened. That is a true blessing right there. If only I could get the rest of my family to see things that way.