Sometimes I wonder what in the heck is going on in my head. My mind is terrible place to be. I would not with it on even my worst enemies. Well I don’t have enemies anyway so… Ok back to the main reason for this blog. I have been a very confused soul lately. My mind has been running me into all kinds of brick walls and it has been wearing on me quite a bit. Aside from my own normal struggles and every day life you can throw on being a little slow with business and then my relationship on top of it all. The meat of this blog is about my relationship, I will recap on it since I have not really talked much about it to date at all.
Mallory and I started dating pretty much right after we met. She is probably the coolest girl I have ever met. Not being friends first made it hard I believe because there is to much of that trying to be what each other things the other person wants if you know what I mean. Plus we both bring a lot of past pain into the relationship as well. Both of our pains having to do with people we used to be in relationships with and a lot of the issues revolve around trust problems with those who came before. After a few months of her and I dating I decided that we should take a break and try to be friends first. I figured if we could go from dating to friends and be mature about it then God willing maybe things would progress back into a relationship. It was hard I think for both of us in this transition because all it did was make us kind of bitter about the situation. Both of us wanted to be in a relationship with each other but at the same time wanted to respect each others space. I even found myself complaining about her on occasion because I did not think she was being very repecting to my choice to be friends. I was being selfish because I know that to her going from a dating relationship to just friends is like going from on to off. I thought that if we had out space then both of us might be able to grow a bit and also be able to learn more about how we both are among friends and what not.
Since we had our little split I always did good if I did not have to see her but when I saw her all I wanted was to be back in a relationship with her. I desired that closeness and talking to her at least once daily. I missed it. So I prayed a lot about it. I did not want to get back into this if God was directing me else where. I am always so afraid that I am not listening to God that I think it ends up blocking out what He is saying to me in the first place. All the signs that I get look normal to me because I am waiting for this epifany to happen and show me the way. All through out this my mind has been messing with me a lot. The enemy knows my mind so well and how to back me into a corner in so many ways. My past haunts me in ways I can’t explain. It’s so hard most of the time to fight off the thoughts and desires that come into my head.
When I started coming back to church I knew I was going to need to get plugged in so hardcore that I would not have any time to allow my mind to do what it’s best at. For the most part I keep really busy, what is hard is working at home. I have down time while I wait for something to upload or some video to render and my mind does what it knows best. I hate it. I scare myself sometimes, I feel like Judas after a few thoughts go through my head. I think to myself how could I look at my computer monitor right at a worship song title and ignore a blatent sign from God to get the junk out of my mind then just continue to go on thinking what I was thinking. Another thing I thought to myself was that wether or not I would get back together with Mallory or even start dating again I would need to be right with God. That is pretty much a joke for me to think that. I mean how can I ever be right with God? How could I ever be so right with God that it would be time for me to get into a relationship. God provides when he wants to no matter where I am at in life. I can’t blow things off because I think I am not right with God, I will never be right with God. Who am I that I should receive anything from God by trying to pay him back. What a warped perspective I had on that subject.
It has been hard for Mallory and I over the last few weeks. Things have been coming up that others bring to my attention and I found myself upset over it. I care about her a lot and I do not like hearing things from other people. Communication is something her and I have pretty much sucked at to date and it is getting better slowly but surely. My mind has been all over the place lately and I probably have even confused a few people with some of the off the wall stuff I have said but this is where my heart is right now and where I am trusting that God wants me to be.
Mallory and I decided to give it another chance. This time we are going to put aside each others selfish and stubborn personalities and go about this the right way. It was so about us last time and that is why we had so many issues. I ask all of you, my friends and family, that you would help us in this by being prayerful over our relationship. I would not have such strong feelings for her if I was not suppose to be with her right now. Of all the distortions that go on in my head during the day thinking of her not only helps keep my mind clear but it keeps my mind on Christ as well, which is even more important.
Thanks so much everyone for all the love and support you pour out to me.